Tonight we’re taking you to the heart of the action of Europe’s premier MTV Awards show hosted in the current City of Culture, luscious Liverpool. What might the evening have in store? Well, we reckon it’ll be a bit like the MTV VMAs held recently in LA, albeit without the Jonas Brothers, Britney and Russell Brand going on about his cock. Host of tonight’s proceedings is wannabe sapphic-fumbler Katy Perry and there will be performances from The Killers, The Ting Tings, Pink, Duffy, Kid Rock, Take That & Beyonce…
Alreet, alreet, carm down! Here we are at the 2008 EMAs at Liverpool’s Echo Arena, which holds a whopping 11,000 people fact fans! Perez Hilton has already been harassing stars on the red carpet wearing a tie and a body warmer to protect himself from the Scouse chill. What did we learn? That the Sugababes attribute their amazing success to their fab fans, and would not say the words ‘Girls Aloud’ not matter how much Perez tried; Duffy blanked him not once but twice; Take That turned up looking smartly dishevelled announcing they had no idea what they were doing; and Estelle was her chipper-chirpy self, with her breasts almost popping out of her dress. Let’s hope there’s no wardrobe malfunctions later…
I can also reveal that 200 bottles of Cristal were given out at the start of the show. Whether that was to one person or they were shared isn’t clear. Paul McCartney’s going to be here later to collect the Ultimate Legend Award, along with other Liverpool luminaries in the form of Runcorn’s Nicola Roberts and Aintree’s Heidi Range. Oh, and Kerry Katona’s rocking up too. So much to look forward to…
The show kicks off at 9pm on MTV, but that’ll be rubbish – watch it here through my all-seeing, all-knowing eyes. They’re large and pupilly…
We’re soooooo nearly off. This close. Final thing – points scored for the most Hollyoaks cast members spotted.
9pm – Hurray, a warning! Strong language! Adult themes! Bring. It. On. Graphics overload, screaming, pom poms and we’re off… With Katy Perry straddling a cherry chapstick. Oh dear god. She looks wide and it’s not just my expensive telly. She tries to sing. It doesn’t really work… She tells the audience to shut up. Then she tells them to make some noise. It’s all very confusing so far. She now says she apologises if she’s sick on her cheerleaders. We might be sick in a bit.
9.05pm – Lots of exciting performers already mentioned above are going to perform – we’re so on top of this aren’t we? Oh, but as well as them, there’s also gong-giving to be done by Anastacia, Craig David, Grace Jones, Leona, Perez Hilton (again), Beyonce’s sister, Sugababes and some other European pop stars who we don’t know. First up, the Sugababes with Heidi”I’m A Scouser!” Range.
9.08: First award: Most Addictive Track. Third place; Kid Rock; Second – Katy Perry; the winner is… Pink – So What! Hurray! We love that! Pink appears looking v un-Pinklike. Almost serene, rocking the 80s pencil skirt look. She tells the fans they rock. They scream. Everyone is happy.
9.10pm Katy stumbles about a bit, mumbles into her mic, then goes up to meet 30 Seconds To Mars who are hosting the VIP bar where FAMOUS PEOPLE GO. Blah Blah Blah, we love Barack. Which we do of course, but can we get on with the awards please? There’s only two hours people… Chop, chop.
9.15pm First big performance of the night. Beyonce’s up, singing “If I Were A Boy”. She sounds wobbly. If this were the X Factor, Simon would be twiddling his pencil and Louis might be crying. Beyonce is dressed like a stormtrooper with giant hoop earrings. And heels. Get the picture?
9.18pm Lots of screaming as Michael ‘Broken’ Owen steps onto the stage and Anastacia, who are about the same height which is handy. Next award: Best Headliner: Metallica, Linkin Park, Foo Fighters, Tokio Hotel, The Cure. Third: Metallica; Second: Linkin Park; the winner is… Tokio Hotel. All wearing black, one with questionable headwear, they look chuffed and kiss Anastacia. They say thank you a lot in a German accent. Underneath all that make-up, I bet they like to knit in their spare time.
9.23pm Dull interlude where Kid Rock chats to those fellas from earlier. And then MTV plays a safe sex video, starring the muppets and we’re told that Rubber Rocks. We don’t doubt it. Ad break. Get another beer. You deserve it.
9.29pm And we’re back! News Flash! Spurs are 3-0 up!That’s more like it.
9.30pm Katy is back, titillatingly on top of two cherries. She’s just too much isn’t she? The camera operative is trying to get a money shot up her skirt. He/she nearly manages it. Take That come on – they’re in black, looking all hunky and grown up. Mark has his customary hat on. They wave their arms about and sing “Greatest Day” with harmonies and EVERYTHING. A few more ‘Wooo!’ ‘Woo’ ‘Wooos!’ and we’re done. Perez described them earlier as ever popular in the UK. Beeatch!
9.35pm Solange Knowles and Katy Perry’s boyfriend come on to present the award for the Artist Who Rocks Out The Hardest: 30 Seconds To Mars, Metallica, Slipknot, Linkin Park and Paramore. It’s a rawk award everyone. Third: Paramore; Second: Metallica. And the winner is… 30 Seconds To Mars. They tear themselves away from the VIP bar, stroll to the podium, hugs all round and “Woooo!” They say it’s unbelievable and that they’re proud. It’s all about the fans people, and they love us all. Group hug people! I’ve gone all quivery. Not really.
9.38pm The most manicured man in pop, Craig David, steps up to present Best Album. They’re whipping through this now. Nominees: Coldplay, Britney, Leona, Duffy and Alicia Keys. Third: Coldplay; Second: Leona Lewis; and the winner is… Britters! Yeh! But she’s not there. Boo! She appears with funny 40s hair and tells us all to party hard. Hear that? Go crack another beer now!
9.40pm Katy’s changed again and is wearing a fairground carousel and screeching. She introduces The Killers who are going to be singing new single “Human”. Lead singer Brandon is proving his metrosexuality by wearing feathers on his shoulders and the band are standing in lots of squares like on 70s show Celebrity Squares. Brandon’s got the middle one, hands on hips and jiggling like a good ‘un. This is by far the best performance of the night, with live instruments and singing in tune – just imagine!
9.45pm The Ting Tings are in the VIP bar, mixing cocktails. The annoying American asks Katie if she’s a witch. She stares at him with contempt. The American is amazed Katie can shake a cocktail. She might lamp him with it before the night’s out. They go into the crowd to give someone a cocktail. It’s very dull. Bring back Russell Brand we say. More muppet safe sex. Loo break!
9.54pm So how’s it going so far do you think? From our angle, it’s a bit of a shambles, but they haven’t mentioned Obama as much as we thought they would. As soon as I type that, Perry appears wearing a spangly Obama from her neck to her navel. Lordy.
9.55pm Next performer: Kanye appears in a Colgate-white suit, keeping his love locked down. Like most of the vocals tonight, he sounds BLOODY TERRIBLE and can’t catch his breath. Or any discernable tune it seems. Can it get worse than this? Estelle’s meant to be coming out soon. Please hurry Estelle! And breathe. Estelle comes out wearing a kite. But she can sing! I’m so relieved after Kanye, I could kiss her. But then Katy might get jealous eh? You’re not the only one who can kiss girls, Perry.
10pm Grace Jones strides – yes, she definitely strides – onto the stage and speaks really deeply and really slowly. You can almost hear the producer chi-chi-ing her along. Speak slowly Grace, bloggers love slow speakers! She has a sparkly bowler hat on and is still wearing those amazing cheekbones. Next up, Best New Act: Duffy, Jonas Brothers, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus and OneRepublic. Dear god, don’t let the Jonas Brothers win. Suspense… Third: Miley Cyrus; Second: Jonas Brothers; And the winner is… Katy Perry! She doesn’t suit yellow. She tells the crowd that if she can do it, anyone can. Is she trying to be Obama? I think she is. Let’s move along…
10.08pm Kerry Katona takes the stage. A nation holds its breath. But she’s not drunk. Yet. Next award Best Video Star: Snoop Dogg; Santogold; Weezer; Madonna; 30 Seconds To Mars. Third: Weezer; Second: Santogold; And the winner is… 30 Seconds To Mars. Again. Who is voting for this? Better than Madonna and Santogold? We think not. But I do fancy a Mars Bar now…
10.10pm More Perry. This time as a worm in a rotten apple. No, we’re not sure either. Hurray, it’s The Ting Tings! Jules and Katie rock out singing that’s not their name, all drums and raw vocals. Wipes the floor with Kanye. Manchester 1 Liverpool 0. The crowd are chanting right back her and Katie is dressed as Dennis The Menace spliced with Debbie Harry. And now, either I’ve drunk this beer too quickly, or there’s some technical fault because the screen is jumping around and HURTING MY EYES. Somebody make it stop!
10.19pm Football scores round-up: Spurs won 4-0 – get in! Man City won 3-2 and Aston Villa just pipped Slavia Prague 1-0. Which means Tottenham are the best team in Europe tonight. But you knew that, right?
10.20pm PC World have got some nice laptops for sale.
10.21pm Sarah from London asks who’s that fella in the white suit? Are you watching this on slow-mo Sarah? Or MTV+1 perhaps? If so and you’ve got Sky Plus, I’d fast-forward. It’s Kanye making a dog’s dinner of his new song.
10.22pm Warning: this show may be offensive to some. They’re right there. Next up, the very plausible Best Act Ever that pits Rick Astley and Britney against U2. We know – Rick’s a clear winner in our books. AND OMG! HE’S ONLY GONE AND WON IT! BRILLIANT! Rick-rolling is alive and well. But apparently Rick is not so well. Or publicity hungry. He’s sitting at home in Newton-Le-Willows making soup.
10.25pm Leona comes on looking like a pink fairy. She’s presenting Ultimate Urban: Third: Beyonce; Second: Chris Brown; And the winner is… Kanye West. Even though he can’t sing. He’s cut the Jesus act too and is donning a lovely 80s jacket a la Michael Jackson. He loves his fans and his mum, which is nice. Katy introduces Kid Rock saying he got her drunk the other night. She didn’t kiss him though. He’s not a girl, you see.
10.30pm Kid Rock begins: “You got a body like the devil but you smell like sex!” And he’s being all sweary. The producers hold their breath, but then he breaks into All Summer Long. The crowd sway. Kid is rocking Run DMC 1980s look, as he’s done since… Well, the 80s actually. More pop stars should wear gold chains like that – where did those innocent days go eh?
10.35pm Kelly Rowland – who was spotted larging it in Faces nightclub recently to her shame – steps up. She has lovely shiny hair and glowy skin. She has the award for Artists’ Choice. And the winner is… Lil’ Wayne. Is it just us, or is there a severe lack of European winners here? Come on Europe, what’s going on? Lil’ Wayne isn’t there, but still blathers on and probably clutches his crotch out of camera shot. Next!
10.40pm In the VIP bar, Daisy ‘Ronson’s ex’ Lowe says she doesn’t go out much. Craig David is smoooooooooth and tells us it’s all about the melody. Right there with ya Craig. And Anastacia says she has no famous friends. What is up with this bit? If you see a 30 Seconds To Mars record, don’t buy it kids, we beseech you. More ads. Paul McCartney is still to come. And Bono apparently.
10.45pm While we’re on a break, let’s just reiterate that RICK ASTLEY won Best Act Ever. Tee hee!
10.48pm Oh Katy. She’s on a banana now doing double entendres REALLY BADLY. I can’t capitalise that enough. I can’t type anymore. I’m at breaking point. Please Katy, stop it now! Duffy appears looking a bit rough. But then she starts to sing and all is well. “Meeeeeerererereeeeeerceeeeeeeeeee!” Rachel from Manchester says the Brits are winning on the singing front. You can say that again Rachel. Two awards to go. Mercy indeed.
10.52pm Estelle shuffles on with Tim Cahill who looks dapper. We love Timmy and Estelle! Tim says there’s been some great music in 2008. There has that Tim. But who will win the shiny gong for having the best songs of 2008. Amy Winehouse is nominated. Hasn’t she just been photographed for the whole of 2008? Come on Leona! Best of 2008 is… Third: Rihanna; Second: Leona (Robbed!); And the winner is… Britney Spears. I don’t think they’re getting the hang of this are they. IT’S NOT THE VMAS IT’S THE EMAS! Sheesh!
10.55pm They’re running out of time now. Britney’s ushered off the screen, and Bono walks in and falls over. Hurrah! I think he’s had a few shandies backstage. He’s introducing Paul McCartney for the Ultimate Legend award. Bono is milking and being annoying as usual, going on about how Paul McCartney drove him here and he’s more famous than me! Just imagine! Now he compares Macca with the Pope. Get. Him. Off.
11pm Bono is STILL ONSTAGE. Somebody get a lasso! Drag him off by his heels! Run VT at last, with Slipknot, Keane and Kaiser Chiefs saying Paul is great. Oh-oh. Bono’s back. He’s wibbling again saying Paul’s a saint. Can you imagine the speech at his wedding? Sir Paul is finally on stage and says… “Liv-er-pool!” He thanks his mum and dad, his brother and Ringo, George and John, whoever they are. Blah-de-blah-de-blah. Oh-bla-di-oh-blah-dah. Life goes on. After this show, there is life. There really is.
11.05pm Leona is on – she’s won Best UK & Ireland act. She’s fabulous, gracious and should have won Best Act of 2008. She’s also badly cut off – and for what? For The Wombats people. Who are singing “Bleeding Love”. Bleeding ears more like. We can’t see Leona off-screen, but we imagine she might be grimacing. We’re off to get more beer.
11.06pm In the 10.55pm update, I stated that Bono was milking. That’s not true of course and thanks to Dave of Bucks for pointing that out. There are no cows or lactating women on the stage. He’s milking it. It, geddit. Glad we got that straight. Ads are still on. Well done for getting this far. Take the day off tomorrow to recover. You deserve it!
11.15pm Europe’s Favourite award is on now. People are singing in foreign – and there’s that Russian fella what won the Eurovision! Let’s hope he wins! And the winner is… someone from Turkey! He’s got great sticky-uppy hair and looks a bit worried to have won. Bless him. Back to Leona, who says she enjoyed The Wombats’ version of her song and that Paul McCartney is amazing. Cut to Katy Perry sporting big ears and Pink thrusting her tits at the camera. Who then bursts into “So What”, smashing a bottle over some bloke at the bar. All together now: “Na, na, na, na, na, naaaaaaaa, na, na, na, na, naaaaaaaaa!” Check her flow! To her credit, the girl can sing, and she bravely surfs the crowd. She is a rock star dontchaknow? There’s a pillow fight on stage and Pink swallows a chicken’s worth of feathers, gets her last line out and chokes. Chortle.
11.25pm Le Perry’s back to finish off the show, dressed half in a suit and half in a dress singing “Hot N Cold”. She does much better on this one and this is her best costume of the night. We’d have preferred Pink to close, but hey. The credits roll and that’s it folks! 30 Seconds To Mars and Britney are the biggest winners with two awards a piece, while Pink, Katy Perry, Leona, Kanye, Tokio Hotel and Lil’ Wayne were also worthy winners. But the best award goes to Rick Astley for Best Act Ever – a genius award and no mistake. Thanks for your company tonight – and if you missed any of this it’s shown for the next few hours on myriad MTV channels. Toodlepip!