Singles Club

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This week’s Singles Club features not one sleigh bell or nod to Santa Claus. Just you wait till next week though…

Alicia Keys – Doesn’t Mean Anything

After the ill-advised red leather pant suit worn on this weekend’s X Factor performance, Ms Keys follows it up with an disastrous coral top and leggings in this video – has she stolen Cheryl Cole’s stylist? Thankfully though the girl has some fine lungs on her and a song to service them which just about makes up for her fashion meltdown. After her starring role in Jay-Z’s Empire State Of Mind, Alicia’s comeback track sees her on more familiar territory being tortured by a love that got away – first around a grand piano in her flat, then looking lovelorn in a wasteland, piano still in view. Even on the worst type of mini-break Alicia evidently makes sure she’s never far from a set of shiny keys.

50 Cent ft Ne-Yo – Baby By Me

Just like Shakespeare and his love sonnets, so here’s Fiddy’s attempt at expressing his love for his wo-man in a poetic fashion. ‘Have a baby by me baby, be a millionaire’ he croons, before going on to say, ‘Baby you can start off on top or on all fours’ and also ‘Your sex drive matches my sex drive we be movin as fast as a NASCAR ride’. Romance? It’s Fiddy’s middle name. Dodgy lyrics aside, this is a slick piece of modern rap with Ne-Yo’s silky vocals added to the mix, hat angled just-so and flicking imaginary lint from his shoulder – in contrast, OCD is Ne-Yo’s middle name. To illustrate his baby-making point, Fiddy shows us a glimpse of what his offspring might look like, parading a series of small boys through the video. Not one had a baseball cap or white vest on though, so we doubt their authenticity.

Ian Brown – Just Like You

Unlike Fiddy, if Ian Brown wanted you to bear his child he’d probably buy you a pint of mild and mumble ‘Fancy it, luv?’ Understated and baggy has always been Brown’s style of music and nothing’s changed with this new single, which trundles along with a nodding beat and a video that sees Brown levitate in the dark. Understated it may be but King Monkey’s got the X factor. He still can’t dance mind.

Chris Brown – I Can Transform Ya

He might be able to transform ya, but can he transform himself and his public image? The answer is probably yes. Nearly a year on from his very public fall from grace after he beat up his then girlfriend Rihanna, Chris Brown is back with a new single and backed up by his mates Lil’ Wayne and Swizz Beat. Together, the three of them sing about transforming and dutifully do so, switching into tanks, cars and bikes at the flick of an animated switch. Chests are bared, the song is so macho it almost swaggers off the screen and the whole ensemble seems to exist so that Brown can posture enough to signify his comeback. Sure, the song has a great beat, but cars and transforming in his comeback single? It’s distasteful, it’s contentious, it’s bound to be a hit.

Kesha – Tik Tok

Lady GaGa? So 2009. As a whole new year (ney decade) beckons, step forward Kesha with new single Tik Tok, a track which could easily deceive your ears into thinking it was lifted direct from Lady GaGa’s navel. A mix of Just Dance and the Black Eyed Peas’ My Humps, it’s a thumpingly good electro-pop hit which sees our girl Kesha start off dishevelled in a bath singing about waking up feeling like P Diddy and ending up in a bath smirking, still giddy about Diddy. Her make-up’s smudged, she’s a little unhinged and she wears a cowboy boot well. She’s already gone stellar around the rest of the world, so come on UK, do keep up.

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