Holy Bonnie Tyler, It’s The Eurovision!

It’s Friday, it’s May 17th, it’s only one more sleep till Eurovision erupts in Malmo, when Bonnie Tyler rises up from a sea of blinky choruses & Lithuanian grannies and takes the Euro-crown for the UK! And before you raise an eyebrow at your screen and tell me that the UK has no chance of winning now that Europe has been cut into 426 pieces with a rusty cheesewire and everybody hates us, let’s take a look at the video and indeed, the song choice…

First, Bonnie has performed a clever Jedi mind-trick with the title – Believe In Me. She sings it over and over again, often earnestly to camera, until by the end, you totally believe in her and press the button marked ‘Vote For Bonnie’. See what she did there? Clever.

In the video, Bonnie is alone and forlorn in a white-washed beach house, her long blonde hair swishing in angst, her tassled boots shaking in turmoil. In fact, she looks like she’s strayed onto the set of a Fat Face ad, and in the next shot she might rush out in board shorts with a surf board. But not right now though, because Bonnie is anguished and needs to portray this via the medium of SONG.

We see her clad in trademark black leather, her hair no different to 1984, her husky vocals the same as when she was holding out for a hero. Fast-forward nearly 30 years and Bonnie is still waiting, this time for us to believe in her. She’s clearly a patient woman. Following on the seashore narrative, Ms Tyler sings of harbours and sinking ships, and as if to back it up, steps out onto idyllic mudflaps and opens her tonsils up wide. This song is a Euro-rock-ballad of epic proportions: rollicking, rousing, raspy. By the end she’s all sung out, her ship has dropped anchor and we defy you not to believe – it’s Bonnie’s middle name.

But the question remains: is it a Eurovision winner? Nah, probably not, but at least it’s better than Scooch.

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