The BAFTAs: Ten Things We Learned

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The 67th annual British Academy of Film And Television Awards took place last night at the Royal Opera House and it was a truly star-spangled event with the likes of Bradley Cooper, the Jolie-Pitts, Leo the Lion and Dame Helen Mirren. Gravity and 12 Years A Slave were the big winners of the night claiming both Best Director and Best Picture, but what else did we learn apart from the fact that Tom Hanks likes a good cry? Well, this…

10: If you’re a middle-aged white man with glasses, you’ve 90% more chance of winning a Shiny Golden Face. Sad but true. So if you fit the category apart from the sight issue, I’d buy a pair of specs anyway and stab the lenses out for next year.

9: Laura Mvula and Tinie Tempah are both uber-talented artists: the girl can sing and the boy can rap. But seeing Tinie high-five the Duke Of Cambridge was a supreme dancing-uncle-cringe-moment. Off with his head, Wills?

8: Angelina Jolie. Oh my. She rocks a suit well doesn’t she?

7: Next year, they should let Danny Baker commentate on the awards. Or at least do the red carpet. His covert and not-so-covert tweets from the event were hysterical – check out @prodnose for proof.

6: Stephen Fry is a truly gifted presenter and whoever wrote his script deserves a round of applause. “Spank your palms together” – quote of the evening. Who doesn’t love a bit of spanking?

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5: There are more British films made every year than I’ve ever heard of. And there was me thinking the British film industry was obsolete.

4: Helen Mirren got the well-done-for-still-being-alive gong and she gave us some poetry to celebrate. A lesser known fact is that she went to my school and is still the most famous alumni to date. Her and Gemma Craven. Yep, I think Helen wins.

3: Emma Thompson’s hair deserved a Shiny Golden Face all of its own. A beautifully sculpted quiff scaffolded into place by invisible spray, it was a sight to behold.

2: Beards are the height of face fashion. Honestly. If you were a man at the BAFTAs last night without one, then you’re not really a man. Yes Brad, we’re looking at you.

1: Cate Blanchett dedicating her award to the late, great Philip Seymour-Hoffman was a classy touch. That she called him a bastard in her speech classier still. You can take the girl out of Melbourne…

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