Valentine’s Day: A Yearly Guide

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It’s Valentine’s Day! Hurray! I know it’s Valentine’s Day because first, I looked at my calendar; and second, M&S has doubled the price of its meal deal so it must be true. For this special blog of lurve I’m going to take you on a journey of Valentine’s Day through the ages: from childhood to should-know-better. Because let’s face it, its acronym is VD for a reason…

Valentine’s Day: Age 5

You get a card from your parents saying they love you. You’re suspicious of their motives.

Valentine’s Day: Age 10

You post a card to that boy at school. It doesn’t matter that he eats his bogeys in front of everyone, you find it endearing. He gives you a bar of Galaxy. He has won your heart.

Valentine’s Day: Age 15

Getting cards at this age is crucial to your credibility. You post ten to various suitors then another five to yourself, using your left hand to write the last two to make them plausible. All it actually does is make it seem like your suitor might be aged 6. Or slow.

Valentine’s Day: Age 20

You’re now an adult. A proper grown-up. You’re even at university so this proves it. Your university throws a Valentine’s Ball. You do not have a date. You go to the student union the week before and get off with a boy. You ask him to be your date. He picks his nose and eats it. You wonder when your life will change.

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Valentine’s Day: Age 25

Change is afoot! By this Valentine’s Day you’ve realised you’re actually gay (hey, it’s my blog). So now you know you like the ladeez this love thang should be a piece of cake. You go to a bar & buy drinks. However when a woman approaches you, your eyes widen, you cannot talk and you run to the loo. This puts a slight dampener on your Valentine seduction plans.

Valentine’s Day: Age 30

You now have a girlfriend. You have a job. You go to dinner parties. You have made it. This Valentine’s Day, you cook dinner, buy flowers & chocolates, ready yourself to go all out. She arrives empty-handed & tells you Valentine’s Day is a capitalistic plot. She eats your dinner, falls asleep on the sofa and you’re left to wash up.

Valentine’s Day: Age 32

You are single but you do not care. Valentine’s Day be damned! You go out with your single mates and have a ball. You get the bus home but it’s difficult to get on, what with all the pink teddies, helium balloons and glum faces.

Valentine’s Day: Age 35

You feel it in your fingers, you feel it in your toes. Love is all around you, sho-be-do-wop-doooooo-wop! She shows up with champagne, red roses & chocolates. You don’t eat dinner.

Valentine’s Day: Age 40

Didn’t we do this shit last February?

Repeat to fade.

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