What Kind Of Facebook User Are You?

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When Facebook first arrived on the scene it seemed like just another fad: first FriendsReunited, then MySpace, now Facebook’s 15 minutes of fame. Only, Facebook’s still here isn’t it? Remember a time when you didn’t check your phone every 15 minutes for an update? Me neither. However, as Facebook’s stock has grown, so has the abuse of it. I’m talking about the eejits who think that social media shuns the rules of normal life. So what type of Facebook user are you? Let’s take a look…

The Blaster

I have a friend. Let’s call him Simon. Simon is a lovely man offline – caring, rational, considerate of others. Online however, Simon regularly loses the plot and threatens to ‘break up’ with his friends if they like a certain brand of popular novel/TV show/brand of gloves. ‘Harry Potter?/Britain’s Got Talent?/Thinsulate? How could you, you cretin!’ he screeches, swiftly followed by ‘!!!!?????’ Simon needs to take a social media breath.

The Boaster

I have another friend. Let’s call her Mary. Mary is also a lovely woman offline, a hoot in the office, loves to bake. Online however, Mary is a bit boasty. Okay, a lot boasty. “Amazing night tonight seeing ‘Insert Cool Band Here’!” Or “Off to Ibiza again for the fifth time this year!” Or “Girls just having fun at Glastonbury! Whoop whoop!” Mary is also a fan of selfies. And instagramming her life. Every single day. Mary is 38, not 18. Please stop.

The Lover

I have another friend. Let’s call him Sebastian. Sebastian is in a stable relationship with a lovely woman. Let’s call her Barbara. Seb & Babs live in the same house together and often socialise together as couples do. Yet from their Facebook posts, you would think that they see each other twice a year. “Happy Birthday to my beautiful husband, I love you more today than ever!” He’s lying beside you in the bed, why not just tell him with your mouth? “Waiting for Seb to get home so we can have dinner!” Thrilling. “I have the best wife ever – love you Babs!” Talk to each other, kids.

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The Checker-iner

I have another friend. Let’s call her Amy. Amy just loves GPS. LOVES IT. Want to know where Amy is at any time, day or night? No problem, because she’s turned on her GPS and told Facebook. Yay! See her in check in at work! See where she went for lunch! See where she does her shopping! (Sainsbury’s. Well I never). Then watch as she checks into her own house. This actually happens.

The Philosopher

I have another friend. Let’s call her Kate. Offline, Kate doesn’t say much. On Facebook however, Kate is a Facebook philosopher and life coach. “Never give up – you are strong no matter what.” Or: “Some days when I wake I tell myself I have to rise above it, remember what the other person might be going through, remember my worth is great.” Kate spouts the kind of cod philosophy that Matalan prints on its bathroom accessories.

The Parent

I have some other friends. Let’s call them half of Facebook. They’ve had a baby. Want to see a picture?

The Needy Over-Sharer

I have some other friends. Let’s call them the other half of Facebook. They’re not feeling great today and they’re going to express their neediness online for you to respond to. Ready?

The Liker

These are people who have their thumb constantly hovering over the Like button. Whoops, there they go again liking something! They just like everything, like!

Now you might say that the cure to my ills would be to commit Facebook suicide and believe me, I’ve considered it. But if I did that, I wouldn’t know how much Seb loves Babs, how angry Simon is today or see the picture of the cute ickle baby. And frankly, without that to look forward to, where’s the fun in living?

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