The Royal Godmother: It Shoulda Been Me…


I’m not really sure what Wills and Kate were thinking: I would have made the perfect godmother for Prince George this week at the Chapel Royal if you discount my giggling about the royals and contempt for all that god stuff. Here are five remarkably plump reasons why…


I’m already a three-time godparent and as everyone knows, experience in these things is paramount. For instance, I already know the best temperament for a godparent (beige). I know where to stand in the chapel. I know when and how to say no to Satan (loudly). Plus, I know when to smile and when to look thoughtful and godly. That Pippa, would she have known that? I think we all know the answer.


Godparently presents are not easy to come by and I have hours of practice searching for the right gift. Big bible that the kid can climb on? No. Shiny photo frame to put a picture of the cherub in? Don’t be silly they’ve got a ton of those. Silver-plated money box in the shape of a pig. Now we’re talking! I bet there’s a piggy-shaped hole in PG’s present pile.


I’m super-photogenic and can do a serene-and-godly-smile on demand. Honest. Plus with all my experience, I know how to stand side-on, holding the bundle of joy in my arms and making the CHILD THE STAR and not me. Humility, that’s my middle name.


We all know that christenings are expensive and in these times of austerity, I’d have been happy to lend my experience and wouldn’t have been afraid to roll up my sleeves. What’s that Liz and Phil? You need another Party Platter from Iceland? No problemo! I’ll pick up some sausage rolls while I’m there too. You can NEVER have too many sausage rolls at a christening, mark my words.


Some people go a bit over-the-top at a christening, mistakenly thinking it’s a small wedding. It’s not – it’s about a baby getting water chucked at it. Understated and subtle are the key outfit words here. I should know. I’m a three-time godparent, did I say?