Celebrity Big Brother 2014: A Bit Tetchy


Celebrity Big Brother has never been the shy, retiring type has it? It’s the annoying salesperson, the loudmouth showoff, that person in the meeting who just has to say something. But if you can get beyond the screaming, the arguing and the general mayhem, it’s compelling viewing even if it’s not always pretty to watch. Don’t believe me? Consider this: last night, a Nolan sister called Jim Davidson a cunt on national television. Boom! I’ve been waiting all my life for TV like this…

This season of Celeb BB has cooked up a boiling hotpot characters. However, the surprise hit is 82-year-old showstopper Lionel Blair who’s been an absolute riot and has managed to challenge my preconceptions of him beautifully. First, he’s not gay – who knew? Second, he likes to bitch. A lot. Third, he can throw a mean hissy fit to rival Luisa. And lastly, he’s got a wicked sense of humour. Give Lionel his own show!

Not coming across quite so well is Jim Davidson who’s been accused of being a sexist misogynist. But hang on, isn’t that what he’s based his whole career on? What’s amused me more is Jim’s gnawing displeasure at life itself – it couldn’t happen to a nicer bloke. There’s clearly a bitter history between him and Nolan, but to get Linda so riled that she swore non-stop on camera for five minutes was quite some feat.

Jasmine’s departure was a pity because her and Luisa were a hilariously catty duo, like some sort of monstrous sorority brought to fake-tanned, vampy life. As shown last night with the Jim & Linda saga however, Luisa is well capable of causing mayhem solo and long may she reign. Whoever the hell she is.

I’m going to miss Jasmine sucking Lee’s face far less. And as for Mr Ryan – what is he up to now? Accusing Casey of being a player is a canny trick but one he surely only thought of after staring in the mirror for an hour. Before Lee entered the house he was viewed as endearinging simple and it turns out the world wasn’t lying. Still, he might get a few more pants thrown at him when Blue resume their comeback tour at the end of the month.

After watching all week, the one huge surprise is that Liz Jones isn’t a calculating mega-bitch. Who’d have thought it? Rather, she seems to have spent the whole time on planet vacant, her glazed stare, fixed expression and monotone voice quite startling. I think Liz may actually be a battery-powered Daily Mail autobot which would explain her journalism brilliantly.

Is there a clear winner? Perhaps gentle Ollie, but my money is old-stager Lionel. Let’s hope if he does triumph, he tap dances down the stairs showing the youngsters how it’s done.

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