Evening all! It’s nearly time for THE BRITS 2010, 30th Anniversary Edition! I said that in that voice they use on the X Factor you know. I hope you got that through my typing intonation. Right then, my predictions for tonight (which are bound to be right, obviously):
1 – Lady GaGa to be a bit ker-rayzee and scoop a ton of metal.
2 – JLS to sing slightly out of tune but be lovable all the same.
3 – Take That and Robbie to announce their reunion.
4 – Robbie to do that annoying smirk to camera about once every five seconds.
5 – People to get really rather drunky-wunk.
Let’s go to the red carpet shall we where it’s slashing down…
–Lily Allen is looking rather glam in Chanel and says “I’m not going to win,” giving a huge wink to camera. She also reveals that Lady GaGa was horrid to her. Booooooo! She’ll still win more than you love.
-“It’s niiiice man, you know what I mean?” says Dizzee to ITV’s woman on the red carpet who must have terribly taut nipples judging by what she’s wearing (ie not very much). He’s looking forward to Florence and The Machine. I can strangle a cat for you love if you like – similar effect.
–Robbie says he’s not old enough to get a lifetime achievement award. We agree Robbie. He seems ultra-modest these days though doesn’t he? He’d like to win with Tom Jones for Best Moment of the last 30 Years. We reckon he’s in with a shout.
–Cowell puppet Alexandra Burke totters up to the mic, promising that Cheryl is going to give a “show-stopping performance”. If she manages not to cry after the week she’s had I think it’s a score, the poor lamb. What about Le Burke’s chances of a gong: “I have no expectations, just high hopes…” she chimes.
–JLS are looking tres dapper in grey suits – and we reckon JB has had his head re-carved for the occasion. They scrub up a treat those boys. JLS to win Best British Group? I would LOVE IT.
-Florence towers over the ITV laydee with huge red hair and a glittery gold dress. Is she really a drag queen? It’s worth a thought I reckon.
Performing tonight are Kasabian, Lady GaGa, Dizzee & Florence, Jay-Z & Alicia Keys, Cheryl Cole, JLS, Lily Allen and Robbie Willaims. ARE. YOU. READY? I know I am. Footy watchers might like to know that AC Milan are up 1-0 – Beckham crossed for the goal. We’re not laughing. No siree.
8.00: We’re off! Lily Allen straddles a rocket and bleeps her own swear words. Odd. She looks like she’s been dragged through a hedge and not facing the right way neither. She totters down a flight of stairs while trying to sing at the same time. Bit painful, but she’s getting into the swing now. We proper love Lily we do. She’s a bit wonky, but it’s a solid start. And better than Perry at last year’s MTV Awards when she straddled that cherry chapstick. Allen wins in the straddling stakes. Brits straddle better – it’s official. She looks relieved it’s done. Go have a drink my love.
8.04: On comes Peter Kay in a tight-fitting suit. And on comes our first presenter – Sam Fox! Will she be able to read the autocue 20 years on? Let’s just say she’s not a comedian, but she is fit. Who will win the Most Memorable Performance of the Last 30 Years? The Spice Girls flash up, there’s a gaping hole in proceedings and then it turns out that the Spice Girls have won. Oh. Scary comes on with sparkles where her hair should be and Geri has turned into Baby. They babble on, everyone’s perplexed. Next!
8.09: Andy Serkis arrives and shouts ‘Oi Oi!’ He’s wearing a flowery shirt that my friend Jamie would love. I wonder where he bought it. Best British Male – whositgunnabe? My money’s on Dizzee… The winner is: Dizzee! He’s wearing a shiny suit and looks pretty pleased – and why not? “It’s about time as well!” he shouts, before thanking his family and the British people. “Respect!” He’s just a rascal you know.
8.11: Now time to scream for JLS who descend to Earth like the pop gods they are. They’re singing live. And dancing at the same time. I fear the worst. Aston’s got a hoodie on to try to look menacing – it’s not working lovely. The rest are trying to be T-Birds and Oritse has had a haircut. They’ve definitely butched up a bit for this. Actually it’s a little Take That, circa Do What You Like era. G.A.Y. next anyone?
8.15: Dizzee jumps about a bit and makes no sense with Fearne Cotton backstage. It’s all a bit of a shambles right now. So far, so Brits! Loo break. Let’s all go to the loo together. A mass wee-in!
8.21: Clip-clop clip-clop. On comes Mel B trying to do her posh ‘I’m Not Northern’ accent. Best International Male: the winner is Jay-Z! Well, he is there, it would have been rude not to wouldn’t it? Mr Beyonce is the smartest dressed man in the house and swaggers onto stage, telling Mel B that the Spice Girls were his inspiration. What a gent.
8.25: Noddy Holder comes on – not dead yet! – to present Best British Album of the Last 30 Years. It’s voted for by Radio 2 listeners so I’m guessing Dido to win? The winner is: Oasis. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Liam chucks away the mic and his award. Peter Kay speaks for a nation when he says: “What a knobhead.”
8.27: Kasabian appear, doing that Fire song. They seem to have been on fire for at least the past 30 years. As my mum might say, it’s a bit noisy isn’t it?
8.30: Half an hour down and you wonder why, having been doing this for 30 years, it’s not a bit better yet? Hmmm… Time for a beer!
8.36: Bad edit no.437 – we’re back! They seem to be a bit short on presenters tonight – Geri is recycled to present summat or other. She thanks Victoria, Emma and Melanie, whoever they are. Best British Breakthrough – please don’t give it to Florence. Geri is like an embarrassing aunty at a wedding. The winner is: JLS! Aw, bless em. Bet Simon’s really glad he turned them down now.
8.40: Peter Kay is flopping somewhat tonight. Not quite Sam and Mick, but it’s not far off. Courtney Love is on, looking, er, crimped. She’s presenting that pointless award Critics’ Choice which is going to Ellie Goulding who sounds like… er, most of the other poplets out there right now. “This is mental!” she tells us. Still, we wish her well, whoever she is.
8.45: On comes Lady Haversham – I mean, Lady GaGa. Plinky-plonky goes the piano. She’s got a damn good voice this one – they should give her an award you know. She’s singing the word bitch muchly – naughty GaGa – and it all goes a bit Vogue. She’s a class apart but other than that, we’re united with Geri Halliwell in wishing she’d performed something we knew. You know, like one of her hits? Baffling.
8.50: Ad break. This evening is getting more surreal by the moment, non? Big shout out to Emma, Tracey, Thomas & Melita who are following from Surrey. Big JLS fans and gushing at their award. Well done those boys. They’d also like Milan to score another – with you there too!
8.55: Some fella is rambling on. Please be quiet. Best British Group is up next. Come on JLS! It’s going to be some boring guitary band isn’t it? Yes, it’s Kasabian. Lordy. Let’s hope they don’t win best album too or I might have to plane my shins in disappointment. Yes, it’s come to that.
8.57: The sound is muted again – this is worse than Big Brother. Oh, and remind me never to go and see Peter Kay doing stand-up. Hurrah, Cat Deeley is on! We heart her. She is presenting Best International Breakthrough: someone with the initials LG perhaps? The winner is: Lady GaGa! It’s like I’m psychic innit? She thanks Lee McQueen – nice touch.
9.03: Brits Mash-Up Alert! Florence and Dizzee. This has car crash written all over it. Ready? Dizzee raps a bit, then on comes our Flo: ‘Woo-ooooo! You Got The La-aaaarve!’ Dizzee is tip-top, but really, Florence. Somebody have a word and make this woman stop! Ticker-tape pours down, but not enough to drown Florence. Prince Harry appears but all I can see is that he’s put too much wax in his hair.
9.10: Peter Kay still dying on his sizeable arse. Jonathan Ross comes on dressed as Embarrassing Dad. Best International Female should shut him up hopefully. The winner is: Rah-rah-oh-la-la-ah-Roma-roma-a-ha’ etc. She’s dressed as a paper doilly and speaks like she’s being inhabited by the ghost of Michael Jackson. It’s not out of the realms really is it?
9.14: Dame Shirley Bassey trots on to up the ante. She’s wearing gold (for a change) and looks perma-tanned. Well done Shirl. She won Best British Female in 1977 – who will it be this year? The winner is: Lily Allen, who’s gone ginger during the break. Raise your glass! Well deserved this one – her second album was a corker and if there’s any justice, The Fear will win Best Single. But as Lemar knows, there’s not much justice in the world.
9.18: Jay-Z and Alicia Keys on to perform their hit (take note, Lady GG). Jay-Z is wearing his only stage outfit (credit crunch you know) while Alicia has a Colgate smile inside her gob. The musical interludes this year have been welcome relief from the Kay-presided chaos of the centre stage and it’s not every year you can say that now is it?
9.23: Fearne Cotton: “And how are you going to celebrate winning a Brit Lily?”
Lily Allen: “Er, I dunno. Drink probably.” Good girl. More beer please!
9.27: Bad footy news: Man Utd are 3-1 up. Back to the Brits and Peter Kay who again looks surprised to see us. On steps Mika looking stylish – what’s that about? Best International Album: The winner is Lady GaGa for The Fame. This was a tough category but we reckon GaGa deserves this and she’s fillin’ up. The camera pans to her backside showing that it’s really quite pert. Multi-talented that one.
9.32: Cheryl Cole jumps on-stage like she’s Wonder Woman. She’s again trying to be Janet Jackson with the styling and dance moves – Rhythm Nation anyone? But the question on everyone’s lips – is she really going to fight for this love after the week she’s had? Our advice: dump him Cheryl. If for nothing else than he plays for Chelsea. Jason from London writes: “I love Cheryl, but she has the worst lip-synch ever. I mean if you’re going to be that off why bother? Just shake your groove thing and smile!” You’re very right.
9.37: Next award – Best British Single and Alan Carr is on to present. It’s voted for by Sun readers so perhaps the People’s Princess Mk II? Perhaps Joe McXFactor? We’d love La Roux or Lily, but the winner is, predictably, JLS. They are now officially the biggest boyband of a generation says the mysterious ITV voiceover. Er, the only boyband of a generation perhaps? But with dance moves like they had for Beat Again, you can’t begrudge them can you?
9.40: Only 20 minutes to go, so hang in there. Tom Ford comes on (looking dapper, natch) to present Best British Album. JLS again anyone? No, this one goes to Florence And The Machine. She strides up bowing to Tom Ford and goes like this: “Blah, blah, blah, blah.” Coulda been worse – coulda been Kasabian. And at least I don’t have to plane my shins now.
9.41: Question from Yvonne in Hackney – where are Florence’s Machine people? We reckon she’s eaten them. Or else she’s standing on them. JLS are dumbstruck backstage – Oritse can’t quite believe it. Bet he’s glad he got his hair cut now though.
9.47: Peter Kay has one joke and it hasn’t worked all night. Oh look, it’s Robbie to collect his Lifetime Achievement Award. He has a suit on and sings to his Brit. He is doing a medley tonight and I fear medleys. You’re just getting into one song and then it’s cruelly ripped away innit? Jive Bunny still gives me nightmares. Robbie is shouting into the camera and a vein might pop on his head any moment. The good thing though is that so far he’s avoiding those ‘Robbie On Drugs!’ headlines that the tabloids were preparing to write. The boy’s doin’ alright and I’m pleased for him. Whisper it, but I might even be enjoying it a smidge. We gallop through his career until we get to Angels and everyone feels warm, fuzzy and weepy. Robbie is officially a national treasure.
That’s it folks! Thanks for tuning in, thanks for your emails, congrats to GaGa & JLS and well done Robbie for rounding things off so well. Now somebody take Peter Kay backstage and slap him. Bye-eeeeeeee!