A while back I was lucky enough to bag a Nespresso machine which now sits seductively on my kitchen worktop, winking at me every time I walk past. Now I too could have those shiny capsules in my very own kitchen and not just when I happen to land in a fancy hotel room – and unbeknown to me, a whole new world was about to be unveiled in sleek, caffienated heels. You see, a Nespresso machine is not just a coffee machine. Good lord, no. Coffee machines dispense caffeine-infused black liquid that perk up your day; Nespresso machines dispense a luxurious lifestyle that means you’ve MADE IT…
But when I got the machine, I was still labouring under the impression that it was about coffee. Which of course it kinda is, but the coffee is secondary. A Nespresso machine is reasssuringly expensive, as is all the paraphernalia that comes with it – a capsule dispenser can set you back £40, a capsule pack £75, a machine the best part of £200. But when you get the machine, you also become a member of their exclusive Nespresso club, the online equivalent of a coffee soft porn shop, all low-lighting and naked capsules bearing their all. Think Abercrombie & Fitch for caffeine lovers.
The terra firma equivalent is no different either. Up until recently, the only place to buy your Nespresso capsules in central London was Selfridges. Marvellous dahlink! Step into one of their Nespresso Boutiques – I kid you not – and the coffee is displayed in a rainbow of colours that looks like some kind of tantalising sweetshop for cool, polished rich kids of which I had suddenly become. I no longer bought my coffee at Sainsbury’s in a bag – now I bought it at Selfridges in a boutique from assistants who spoke of coffee ‘grand crus’. As for the coffee names: Fortissio Lungo, Capriccio, Arpeggio, Roma. None of your Gold Blend or Mellow Birds here.
But I succumbed, mainly because I have always found the idea of coffee sexy – a hot, tempting brew to perk up your day, *wink*. Tea and hot chocolate are child’s play: coffee is an adult drink and Nespresso is the height of grown-up coffee. It’s sophisticated, it’s designer, it’s shiny and metallic for gawdsake. So is the coffee any good? Well, who cares? The fact is I can order online in hushed lighting, get priority delivery the next day, flick a switch on my always-ready machine and get a cup of coffee in less than a minute, piping hot. Plus, I get that uplifting feeling that I’ve arrived. Then I wink back at the machine and start my day.