Who Will Be Tottenham’s Next Manager?


Farewell then, Andre: our Portugese man of war who lost too many battles in the end. He looked beautiful on the touchline but often flummoxed as to what to do next, his face not betraying much but his eyes a whirlpool of panic. So now that the AVB era is finally over though, who’s next to step up to the plate and take on the Spurs cause? Capello? Hoddle? Laudrup? Benitez? Here are some alternative options that might be worth consideration…

1. Chas N Dave

Pros: Spurs through and through, plus they can inspire the squad with a new slapstick song written daily. Picture it now: Super Soldado’s Song, Townsend’s Tricky Turns, Deadly Diddy Defoe – surefire winners.

Cons: Their hair isn’t a patch on Andre’s plus they’ve gone a bit bluesy of late, so they might depress the squad even more.

2. Sandra Redknapp

Pros: Harry’s sat nav already has the route from their house to the Spurs ground programmed in, so no getting lost for Sandra. Plus, as Harry always told us, she could double up as a player and score all those chances that Soldado/Defoe/The Whole Team waste for fun.

Cons: Jamie might spontaneously combust if QPR ever play Spurs on Sky.

3. Papa Smurf

Pros: He’s got team leader experience and he knows what it means to love living in blue and white.

Cons: He’s got a busy movie career so slotting in managing Spurs might be tricky. On the upside, his wage demands might make Daniel Levy smile again but his insistence on wearing a red hat and trousers would have to change.

4. Nicole Scherzinger

Pros: She’s got the time now that The X Factor has finished and she’s shown she can be a truly inspirational leader and team player. Just ask Sam Bailey. Totes. Plus, just think of the heartfelt half-time team talks.

Cons: She might get overwhelmed with emotion every game and burst into tears. And she might keep telling the players to score a “sch-amazing sch-goal” which, let’s face it, would really confuse the new boys.

5. My Mum

Pros: She’s brought up a team of eight kids so she’s no slouch when it comes to project management. Plus, she makes a really good pineapple cake which she could use as a reward for good play.

Cons: She thinks all footballers are overpaid prima-donnas and doesn’t understand the offside rule. But her tactical summation of yesterday’s game was nothing short of genius: “Your team need to score more goals and stop letting in so many.” She could write it on a small spiral-bound notepad pitch-side and everything.